November 23, 2007

Dispatches From a Thanksgiving Kitchen

Turkey Update I

OK... I am ready to get started. Just a question... How do you get the feathers off?

Turkey Update II

The police just left. Seems the neighbors heard the squawking, and thought that there was a domestic dispute. The cops had to sit in the driveway a few minutes to stop laughing before they could drive off.

I wonder how many calls like that the cops get on Thanksgiving... they must not get anything else done!

Turkey Update III

OK... I think I won't need stitches, though the upholstery on the recliner is shot. The dog has him cornered behind the couch... but there are feathers everywhere.

Turkey Update IV

Thank you everyone for the emails about the feathers. I think I did it in the wrong order, though... I didn't realize I was supposed to chop its head off first.

Turkey Update V

You know... before today, I had never seen a turkey fly before. When you see them on TV, they're always standing around.

Turkey Update VI

Just got back from the neighbors house (not the one that called the cops, but the one on the other side). He says that he thought it would be a bad idea for me to climb the tree to get him down, and that the turkey would probably just peck at my eyes if I did.

He offered to let me use his shotgun, but we're inside the city limits, and plus, what about all the bird shot? My guests wouldn't care for that in their meal.

One alternative is that the kid across the street has a bird feeder, and suggested that we spread birdseed under the tree and see if that lures him down.

Turkey Update VII

The turkey is still in the tree, gobbling, and now the neighbors are all in the street watching. We also have a flock of pigeons under the tree.

I overheard the grumpy lady down the street say that I should just have squab for Thanksgiving, and that she'd bring her dipnet over...

Turkey Update VIII

The lady from Channel 2 was really snarky when I told her I didn't want to be interviewed.

The turkey flew off and is now standing in the median strip of Northern Lights Blvd, and apparently traffic is a little slow there.

On a related topic, has anyone ever stuffed a squab?

Turkey Update IX

When you see those Dyson vacuums on television, with the dirt spinning around inside the canister, you never see feathers, flour or powdered sugar whipping around inside there. I now know why.

Also, I called my attorney, and he says that I should state publicly that I never told that little girl that she could pet the turkey.

Turkey Update X

Did you know that there are expiration dates on fire extinguishers?? I didn't!

Turkey Update, Epilogue

Turkey, as a meal, is overrated. Turkey, as a wrestling opponent, is a formidable foe.

Cool Whip - so, if it is non-dairy... what is it? Wasn't there a movie about this?

Cranberries are to Thanksgiving as fruit cake is to Christmas. Ninety-nine percent of the people won't eat them... but for some reason, they always appear.

L-Tryptophan cannot be detected with a breathalyzer.

Orange and brown are two of my least favorite colors. I don't own a serving platter with pumpkins, pilgrims and a turkey on it. I would never buy such a thing. Why is there one in my dishwasher?

Copyright © Wigi Tozzi, 2023
Proudly designed with Oxygen, the world's best visual website design software
linkedin facebook pinterest youtube rss twitter instagram facebook-blank rss-blank linkedin-blank pinterest youtube twitter instagram